begone, you devil!

me to what is likely burgeoning depression.

and it’s here for no other reason than this seemingly endless, horrendous pain in my lower back.

I understand this happens when you age, but I shouldn’t be struggling in my mid-thirties to get into my car so much.

and I’ll admit, though even after sleeping for what should have been 13 hours, when I looked at myself in my rear view mirror with blood-shot and freshly misted eyes (because, holy fuck did that hurt), I wanted to give up, crawl back inside, and lay between two fuzzy creatures.

but I can’t. I can’t ever. I don’t have the kind of job I can call out sick from. I planned it this way and now I’m a little frustrated with my lack of foresight at just how damaged my body would be in ten short years.

this shit hurts, y’all.

I am not a chickenshit about most things. pain being one thing I’ve come to expect. but it’s been two weeks, right? or is it three? how long have we been here? waking up to this every day is torturous.

I run through scripts in my head: the doctor will ask ‘on a scale of 1-10, where is your pain?’. and I’ll say what I always do, 4.

“why 4?”

because I’m alive and will be in the near future. This won’t kill me in hours or six months to several years. I’m not burning to death. I’m not suddenly missing any limbs. I haven’t been shot or stabbed or had any bones broken. I don’t have cancer tearing me apart and keeping me up at night, screaming “NO!NO!NO!NO!” like my dad did in my final memory of him when I thought he was faking it for attention. I’m not giving birth. I’m not being dragged behind a car in chains. I’m not being tortured. these are the things deserving of 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10

I’ll want to say 5. I’ll want to say 6. But I never will. I’m not that disrespectful.

What I will do is look fondly at the older people who take immeasurable amounts of time to cross a crosswalk. I will let them pass, and I’ll won’t be impatient at the very least at them. Even when I am forever impatient. Because what innumerable pains have they learned to ignore just to keep moving?